A Letter to my PawPaw

This week I have seen the verse Micah 6:8 in different places, and I suddenly realized it wasn’t by coincidence since your birthday is today. I still feel like I have not fully grieved your loss in a lot of ways. When you died I had to fill in and take a role I wasn’t prepared for, and I pushed a lot of my emotions down to keep everyone together. In the midst of trying to take care of everyone else I didn’t realize that I hadn’t fully dealt with your passing. I have been grieving for a lot of different reasons than I thought I would. I feel like we have had to face your death so many different times that when you actually did pass to some extent it didn’t seem real.

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.

And what does the Lord require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.- Micah 6:8

  I miss your laugh. I miss getting to give your bald head a kiss. I miss seeing the skunk tattoo, it always made me smile. I miss listening to you and Dad talking about politics.. kind of lol. I miss calling to see if you and granny want to go to lunch. I am so sorry that the last 10 years or so of your life dealt you a crappy hand. What was hard for me once you died is going back and looking at pictures of us when I was younger and to see your smile and how happy you were. I try so hard to make myself remember those times and I can’t yet; every time I think of you all I can see is you taking your last breath on this earth. It’s my most painful but treasured memory with you. I am forever thankful for that goodbye with you. Most of my adulthood we didn’t have a super close relationship, and I know that’s not all on you and I am now left here forever to live with that guilt. To be honest I thought that you didn’t really love me, but once you passed and I had time to go through my life with you I realized, you loved me more than I knew, and more than you ever knew how to express. I grieve for the person that you were and I didn’t get to fully know. I feel like every surgery took a piece of your smile, a piece of your heart and it breaks my heart. I wish those last few years would have be kinder to you and I am so sorry that they weren’t.

Not long ago Adam and I talked about the day we had our gender reveal to tell everyone that Brooklynn was a girl. Everyone was outside and you were inside and before we went outside we told you it was a girl and I will never forget that smile on your face and what you said to us. That moment you were truly so genuinely happy and it brings me joy. I realize I am one of the lucky ones to have all of my grandparents live until I was 29 years old. I want you to know that I am sorry for all the things I didn’t do and should have. I am sorry I didn’t show you a little more grace. I want you to know that you are missed and I pray that you have found the peace that you didn’t have on this earth. Mostly I hope that you know that I love you and that I do miss you. I think of you often and the girls still talk about you and Holly girl.

Love you. Happy Heavenly Birthday!