For Better or Worse

It feels most fitting for my first post to be about the man I created this beautiful family with, Adam. We met our senior year of high school and were married at 19, which now we both think is totally insane lol but here we are 11 years later. We both firmly believe that God comes first, then your marriage, and then your children. My husband had a relationship with God and a dedication to the church that I loved so much about him. He is the one who made me understand how important church truly is.  He leads our family so well, he loves fiercely, and he has never made me question his love and commitment for me and our family, not once. Marriage is hard work, but it’s hard work that is absolutely worth it.

I recently read a passage from one of my most favorite books ever, Come Matter Here by Hannah Brencher. If you have not read this book you absolutely have to, because it is life changing, click the picture for the link. In her book she says, “you can never take a person at 80 percent with the hope that the other 20 percent will change. If you go into a relationship this way you will spend all your best energy trying to change him or her. You must be willing to say, “I will choose you for who you are, not for who I am dependent on you becoming.” WOW! Right?! I mean it’s so good. If you take away anything from this post, remember this quote for an amazing reflection of how to start and visualize your relationship going forward.

Most people will tell you that the first year of married life is the hardest. We disagree, because our first few years together without kids were our favorite. We loved married life and being able to grow and experience those few years of life together before we had kids. Now the first year of parenthood, that year is the hardest year ever! We did not exactly make it easy on ourselves; we had our first little girl during my husband’s first year of medical school, and while I was trying to finish college. Our second daughter came during the third year of medical school, and our last little girl came towards the end of residency. One of the first things I learned when we became parents is to not keep a record of who did this and who did that. This creates a tremendous amount of tension, bitterness, and anger towards each other, and it greatly affects your relationship. The next thing I learned once we had kids was that you cannot be selfish.  Marriage is not a self-fulfilling thing. If you think about how gracious, generous and forgiving our God is, He wants the same for our marriage. It’s hard because we are human and we are innately selfish, but life as a wife and mother require you to put your selfishness aside; it means going out of your way to do something for your husband just because. It means putting others’ happiness before yours at times, it means giving up time for yourself for the greater good of your marriage and your family, and most of all having a gracious and generous heart. It may mean watching Tosh.0 with your husband, even though its the last thing you want to do, but you do it because its something he wants to do and you are spending time with him. If you give and take evenly with each other you are able to both be better for each other and your children.

Your marriage has to stay a priority because as your kids grow and become more involved in things, it’s easier for your marriage to get lost in the shuffle. It takes more effort to have time with just each other once you have kids, but it’s in these moments you are reminded who you are outside of parenthood. Marriage is about 95% communication, you have to be open and honest with one another. Early in our marriage I would assume Adam was a mind reader and I am stubborn, I come by it honestly, right Dad? lol but how ridiculous is this, to make him have to draw out my feelings instead of me just telling him what’s going on? It is not fair, and it caused a lot of dumb, pointless arguments.  Adam and I have had our fair share of ups and downs in our marriage, but a good relationship requires times of trials to become deeper and more rich. It takes those times to really learn each other and what pushes their buttons, then how to not let your anger control your reactions and how to love someone even when you would rather slam the door in their face and leave. It is hard sometimes when people say you have the most perfect, beautiful family, because good marriages come from the effort that is put into them. I am so grateful for my family and my marriage, but trust me when I say we have had times when we have been in the trenches had to fight our way out.  But we did it together as a team because of the love we have for each other.  Here is another book that you absolutely have to have, it is one of my favorite books.  It’s Fervent by Priscilla Shirer, and it gives you so much encouragement in prayer, here is a little snippet out of the book that I have highlighted:

“The only effective way to fight in marriage is to pray. Prayer is how we isolate the real problems. And prayer is also how God gets through to us, even while we’re praying for our husband, convincing us that maybe what our husband needs most right now is for his wife to become soft, safe place for him to land, rather than a prickly, nagging source of contention that only agitates him and makes things worse.”

I want to encourage you to pray, pray everyday for your spouse, pray for your marriage.  God’s got you and He is there for you every step of the way, you just have to make Him a priority. If there is something that I am upset about and I start my prayer FOR Adam, I am able to better control my anger. I pray for me to respect him and love him in the way God intended, I pray for him and his patients. Does this mean that you will not have disagreements or some ridiculous arguments? Absolutely not, but when you are more connected to God you can see things more clearly and forgiveness is at the forefront. Good marriages take a lot of work, prayer, and communication. If you need someone to pray for you and your marriage, tell them; having a good support system goes along way for sure. Whatever you do, do not give up! Marriage takes growth personally and as a couple…put in the work and you will reap the rewards.

xoxo

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