Shattered

It started when I was 14 years old. I was seeking attention and approval from boys, for them to be the ones who made me feel like I was enough. When I was in junior high and even into high school I was not the prettiest one, or the most popular; I had plenty of friends like that, but it was not me. I can remember trying to buy short skirts, coloring my hair because maybe if I was blonde they would be more into me, and trying to like things I wasn’t necessarily into just to fit in. I smiled, laughed and I was friends with a variety of people, but the internal turmoil that I dealt with all through these years was so hard. Truth be told all these years later I can remember struggling so hard to just be wanted to be prettier, to be skinner, and it’s so painful to think about.

“We will never be enough for this world because that’s not what God created us for”- Grace Valentine- Am I Enough

I was 17 years old when I fell in love for the first time, and I fell in love hard. We dated for a long time and not only did I just fall in love with him, but I also fell in love with his precious family. After being together for awhile we ended up having sex and I lost my virginity. I can still remember that night and the next morning, being so disappointed in myself and what I had just done. Feeling like I was wearing a scarlet letter and everyone knew what I had done. Some of my friends were getting those “True love waits” rings, and every time I saw one I cringed on the inside knowing I wasn’t worthy of one of those anymore. In my eyes we were going to be together forever, that this was it for me. A few more months down the road, we broke up and after this I began to truly see why God intended for that moment to be with your husband, I was broken and lost.  I never truly understood how much of your heart and soul goes into that moment until it was over, I had given him all of my heart and I couldn’t get it all back. I tried so hard to get it all back, to get us back.  When all of my efforts failed it sent me a downward spiral. I felt dirty, like somebody else’s trash that no one would want, why wasn’t I good enough? I remember laying in bed crying begging for me to just be enough.  It started slow, I was so upset and depressed the only control I had at that point was what I put in my body. I quickly went to a size zero, I hid it and I hid it well until my parents caught me rolling my pants because none of my clothes fit me anymore. It became an obsession, how long could I go without eating, whatever I ate that exact amount of calories had to be worked off. I remember my stomach growling at me, and I would just keep telling myself you aren’t really hungry. I would play with my food long enough that no one would notice that I wasn’t actually eating. I started to get compliments, and if I looked good I was going to keep doing it.  See that right there, being enough for people on Earth, not God, is what mattered. This chapter in my life forever left a scar and I never understood that I wouldn’t ever be the same. My parents sent me to a therapist and doctors galore but I wasn’t ready to listen to any of them, until in December one day my life changed.

On that cold December night I met my husband, I honestly truly believe he saved me from myself. We continued to talk and got to know each other over several weeks, and he had this love for his church and God that I hadn’t experienced before. He brought me into a closer relationship with God. He knew the good, the bad, and the ugly about me and never looked at me any different. He knew what all I had done and what struggles I had, and he chose to love me through them. I am thankful for the love and grace he showed me and I am thankful for the passion in God that he created in me. I still to this very day struggle with my body, the comparison game is so hard to not participate in, and I get caught up in this social media driven world from time to time. I have relapsed a few times throughout our marriage when it comes to my eating disorder, but God has forgiven me every single time, and He has given me the strength to push through. My husband has always been my safe haven; I can be honest with him and not hide it, he picks me up off the floor and pushes me forward.  Being a Mom to my three girls inspires me to show them strength, humility and most of all to show them to love God so you can truly love yourself. I don’t know if I will ever be able to look in the mirror and fully love all that I see, but I have learned to show myself more grace.  At all doctors’ appointments, unless it’s a necessity, I ask not to be weighed, because if it’s not this number I have in my head it can trigger me. If I am around anywhere that has scales I get anxiety, and when those feelings come I pray and I pray hard. One of the hardest lessons in life is that you have to learn that someone will always be prettier than you, smarter than you, skinner than you, more money than you, you are not going to be everyone’s cup of tea.  

“Your purpose is not to look pretty. Your purpose is to make the world look more like God’s kingdom each day.”-Grace Valentine- Am I Enough

Learn that your value comes from God, not from anything else on this earth. God’s wisdom can provide you with so many things to apply to your life, you just have to read it and learn from it. Forgiveness, it’s hard but in the end it frees your heart; forgive yourself and forgive the person that hurt you, even if they don’t ask for it, forgive them anyway. You will be surprised at how much lighter your heart feels. When you forgive it has to come from your heart, God knows your heart, your intentions, and if you are ready or not so don’t try to hide it. God has showed us grace more times than we can count, so do the same for someone else. We aren’t bad people, we just made mistakes. If you have made the same mistakes I have, please do not be ashamed of yourself, don’t hide yourself, use your mistakes to help someone. Please remember that you are and always will be enough for God. He is the only one who can fill your heart with the peace that calms your soul. He takes this yearning feeling that there is something more and plants your feet where they are supposed to be. He knows your beauty from the inside out, and He loves you more than anything and anyone on this earth ever will. He takes your need to be more and do more, and His word fills you with all the comfort in the world. If you let God lead you, He will, and He will take you places and do things in your life you didn’t think were possible.

This book is incredible and will encourage you in ways that you haven’t even thought of. This book is not just for adults, if you have a teenage daughter buy this for her and read it together, she will thank you one day, I promise. I will be keeping this for my daughters for sure! Click picture for the link.

XOXO