Stillness

Being still is not something that people like to do most days. We are always striving for something more, always running on a constant hamster wheel never satisfied with where we are. You see someone you know that is more successful than you and instantly feel the need to be doing more. You automatically feel unsuccessful because you are comparing your successes to someone else’s.  It is so hard sometimes to see other people succeeding and going places in life when you feel like you are just sitting still. Looking at someone else’s version of their happiness is not going to get you to your happiness. If you are constantly living through peoples highlight reels on Instagram or Facebook and think that’s how their life always is, your life will never be good enough. If I cannot have all the things in life that I want right now, why does it seem like they can? What makes them more successful than you? What you find successful and worthy may not be what God sees what is right for you. What if God’s intention is for you to be still? What if he is using this stillness to have you focus on something more?

“We try to resist change. We look for people to be our lifeboats. We look to fear in the hope that it will keep us safe.

We hate the fact that darkness could be good for us. We all want the chance to be gold, but we don’t want the fire.”-Hannah Brencher

You see other people younger than you or your age striving and thriving and you instantly feel unworthy. Some how you have managed to not do enough, because all I have done is graduate undergrad, have three kids and stay home? How ridiculous. Even the people that seem to have it all still feel like they are missing something or they aren’t successful enough. When we moved back to my husband’s hometown it was a hard adjustment. The pace of life became so slow; moving from Tyler to Seymour was a big adjustment and the lack of any type of social calendar made the stillness at times unbearable. I missed my friends more than anything, I missed this life we had created all on our own. My weeks went from being filled with playgroups, get togethers with friends, a solid friend support system and so many activities and places to go to zero. I became bitter, and I was honestly so angry that once again I had to be the one who gave up everything to move again. Here goes another sacrifice on the endless list. I was determined to not be happy here, and trust me I let my husband know all about it. Look what all I have given up for you, it’s so unfair… the list goes on. I feel so awful as I write this. Throughout this past year I have begin to understand that all of this stillness is for a purpose.

I didn’t realize how far I had actually strayed from God until it was somewhat thrown in my face. I realized real quick that I was the problem. I was going to have to change my mindset and my outlook because I was the only one responsible for robbing myself out of happiness. Ouch! It was not my husband’s fault, this town’s fault, it was mine and mine alone. The more time I spent in the stillness, working through studies my fears, hurts and anger came tumbling out of me. There were at times so many tears and many honest conversations with God, it was not always pretty and there were times I didn’t have the nicest thoughts or things to say to God. Through this time He became my friend, He became who I ran to. My friends and the people had become my lifeboats instead of Him.

Throughout this period of stillness I have learned to put Him first always. I need His word to guide me and fill me up in a way no person or thing could ever do. Now there is not a day that goes by that I do not spend time with Him. I crave time with Him and spending time with Him is my priority more now than ever before. He used this time of stillness to bring me back to Him, how amazing is that? Throughout this stillness I began to not just read my bible, because I thought that’s what you were supposed to do, but to read it and let it speak to my heart. I read it now as a beautiful story. Life is going to constantly challenge us and throw us curve balls. God loves these challenges because it’s a way to grow our faith in Him. He uses our darkness for a purpose. My belief is that the God I love and worship does not make terrible things happen, that is all Satan to pull you away from Him. God is there to hold you, comfort you and help guide you out of those times. He is the only one that can give you the fullness that you are seeking. He is the only one who can fully love you like you are meant too. Throughout all the times we have disappointed Him, He is still there waiting for us, loving us and ready to guide us your heart just has to be open. If you are struggling, bust out a journal and pray fervently. Do not give up when your answer doesn’t come on your time because what He is trying to do is greater than you can ever imagine. Trust me even if His answer is not what you are wanting to hear, trust Him anyway.  Do not be afraid of the quiet and the stillness, embrace it and let it lead you closer to Him. 

“I came into this world as light, so that everyone

who believes in me might not remain in darkness.”- John 12:46

XOXO