Sucker Punch

Have you ever seen the movie The Bucket List? I remember watching that movie thinking I couldn’t do something like that. How do you do that knowing what’s waiting for you on the other side? How do you find joy in those moments? Now I am about to have to experience this with someone I love more than anything, and I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to cherish every moment and soak it in while at the same time my heart is breaking and I am experiencing the most unimaginable pain I have ever dealt with in my life. On one hand I am grateful for this time to be able to cherish everything before we have to say goodbye, but on the other hand my heart is being slowly ripped apart day by day. If there was ever a time that reminds me that God never once promised us an easy life, God never promised not to give us more than we can handle, this season the year 2020 is showing me that. He did promise us to help lessen our load. He did promise to be there with us through it all.

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with our groaning too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.” Romans 8:26-27

When we choose a life with God you immediately become a target of the enemy, but the hands of our God are much stronger. I am angry with God, I don’t understand and I don’t want to understand. If I am being honest with myself, there was never going to be enough time with my Poppy. I will selfishly want him here forever. I ordered this book awhile back, Everyday Obedience by Kate Orr, and for some reason decided to open and start it the day after we found out about my Poppy. Walking in obedience with God especially when your life is falling apart is hard to do, so many times you begin to question everything: the goodness of God, what I did to deserve all this, feeling like this darkness is never going to stop, your life is falling apart at the seams?! If you have ever felt this way it doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad Christian, you are human.

The other night as I sat at my Mimi and Poppy’s kitchen table, we started talking about lots of things, and my Mimi and my Mom both said that we had to rely on grace, God’s grace, to get us through this. When I opened this book it has talked immensely about this, and I know it’s not on accident that this happened. God’s grace is abounding for those who walk with Him. He has never demanded perfection from us, and we all fall short so many times, but His grace is there to lovingly guide us back in line. Everyday obedience is hard and at times frustrating, especially when life isn’t dealing you a good hand. But it is these dark moments, where the light at the end of tunnel feels so far away, when feel like you will be lost in the valley for a long time, His grace is there for you.

“Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.” Colossians 2:6-7

We have to hold tight to His truths and let them be the anchor that holds us steady. He is always present even when the silence feels like it’s closing in on you. You have to trust and rest in the assurance of His Holy Spirit. Even in my anger and my pain I am going to trust in Him because I know this is the only way I will make it through this. A quote I read recently in my study of Judges was, “Life’s deepest lessons are learned through suffering.” I can’t imagine all the lessons I am going to be taught throughout the rest of 2020, and to be honest with you it scares me, but I pray that through this suffering my faith in God is as steady and sure as it’s ever been.