The Dark Cloud

This one is for all you mommas out there who have ever struggled with postpartum depression. I remember being pregnant and thinking that would never happen to me… well it did TWICE. I don’t know why we are so afraid of admitting when we need help, like we are supposed to be supermom all the time. That if we don’t have it together all the time then we aren’t a good mom. If I need help, that means I am doing something wrong. Having that feeling that I should be able to handle all of this because all these other moms can, but why? Why do we sit there and feed ourselves all these lies? Why do we beat ourselves so far down that we have to fight like hell to get back up? All because we don’t want to be labeled “that mom” that has PPD? Do not for one second try to think you are doing something wrong. Do not think that for one second that there is something you could have done differently.

I remember after my first daughter was born I struggled with breastfeeding, it did not come easy like I saw in the movies. I expected this  magical experience, and it was a living hell. She hated sleep and to top it off I was trying to finish my last year of college and he was in his first year of medical school. There were days I functioned on three hours of sleep just praying to be able to close my eyes for a 30 minutes. I remember staring at my sweet baby girl while nursing her and feeling nothing. I would cry because I didn’t understand how I could feel this way. I had everything I had prayed for right in front of my eyes and could not force myself to be happy. I remember feeling like there was a cloud of just heaviness over me like I couldn’t fully breathe. I did not think that it would ever get easier or get better it would stay this way forever. I felt like a failure as a mom and a wife. I couldn’t calm my baby down, I couldn’t get her to go to sleep, I couldn’t keep up with the house, I could barely make dinner, I couldn’t produce enough milk, or there was something I was eating that was causing her discomfort. I remember trying to put on a good face for people to pretend like I had it all together. That being a new mom was the best thing ever. I remember the day I told my husband that I thought something was wrong. He found me on the floor of our closet I was pumping breastmilk in my closet bawling my eyes out. When my sweet girl cried it just made me flat angry constantly. I made my appointment and two days later I sat with my amazing OB and her sweet nurse. I just started crying telling them everything and Dr. Hook grabbed my face and said something I would never forget, “There is nothing wrong with you. You are a good mom. You just have Postpartum Depression, and this is completely normal.” She reminded me about all our bodies go through and the changes in our hormones and that I would be ok. They made me feel the love I needed that day, and sure enough a few weeks later I started to see the light through the hard times. Those two will never know what that day meant to me in that moment. Those long nights were still there but they didn’t overcome me anymore.

You would think that after having two kids you would know when you have PPD and need help, but that’s not what happened with my third. I felt like I was fine but I was really ignoring all the warning signs. I would call my mom crying because I was just so overwhelmed and defeated. I remember that same day my mom and my Mimi both told me you need to go see your doctor immediately. I remember walking into that appointment with my OB and feeling like I was safe. She sat there and said, “Talk to me.” So I did, and she gave me a hug told me, “Take a minimum of an hour to myself day, walk outside enjoy the sunshine. You’ve got this. You are a good mom, you have three kids life can be overwhelming. This black cloud won’t last forever.” She was right, it didn’t, but Lord I sure felt like it was never going to go away. With all three of my girls I stopped breastfeeding at 6 weeks because it was too much for me, and to be honest I never fully loved it as much as I always thought I would. My anxiety and stress level just could not handle it and I remember being so afraid of being judged by other people, and I was by some because I wasn’t breastfeeding. I remember when my husband was in residency being ashamed to have to tell the doctor that I was no longer breastfeeding… breast is best.. NOPE fed is best. You do not ever let yourself feel guilty for things like this. If your baby is loved and cared for that is absolutely all that matters. I wish I would have fully learned that early on.

If you are seeing the warning signs with PPD, please don’t shame yourself into not talking to someone to help you because that black cloud will only grow bigger. Do not be ashamed of yourself because you need help, for the heavens everyone needs help. Remember what your body went through to grow a human for 9 months, it’s not going to just snap back to the way it was after 3 weeks or even 3 months. Give yourself some grace and some wine lol… but seriously! Go take a Target run by yourself and just enjoy some alone time. Find anything that makes you be reminded of the joys in life. Life may be messy at the time but it is still beautiful. I still struggle with anxiety from time to time so do not for one more second think that you are alone, because you would be surprised at the community you have waiting to love on you. 

XOXO