The False Race

This morning as I was doing my bible study I knew immediately that God put this in my path for a reason. For now I am going through a season in motherhood where I am struggling finding my meaning, my purpose, and it is such a hard struggle and I think even more so when you are a stay at home mom. I have struggled with this off and on during my eight years of staying home with a couple more years to go and it can feel like you are going nowhere. These feelings of loneliness and of being unworthy creep in when you least expect it. I am writing this because I am convinced that I am not the only other stay at home mom that feels this way.

In the bible study, First Be A Follower, which is created by my most favorite author Hannah Brencher, one of the first few things I read of her hope for people doing this study was, “That we give up the false race of “getting there” to learn how to be here now.” In my personal journey as a stay at home mom I always feel like I am still fighting to get somewhere. That where I am isn’t enough, not that it isn’t necessarily enough for me but to be enough for this world. That others will see me and see that I am worthy. That I feel like I need to justify what I do matters because people on this earth hold what I do at no value. I do firmly believe that social media plays a big role in this. You see so many different women thriving and I think to myself all I am doing is refereeing kids, changing diapers, doing a billion house chores and singing the ABC’s at least 10 times or more by 9 a.m. Being a stay at home mom there is no instant gratification or job well done, I constantly feel like I could be doing things better. It’s a lot of giving of yourself for your family and at times not realizing when to draw the line of your giving so that your cup does not run out.

Resist him, steadfast in faith, knowing that your fellow believers throughout the world undergo the same sufferings. 1Peter 5:9

The Catholic Bible: Personal Study Edition. Oxford University Press, 2007.

There is a point in this study that asks, “What is your wilderness?”, and I wrote motherhood. I began to realize while doing this study that one of the main reasons I am in the wilderness with motherhood is because I want to feel like what I am doing matters, and that what I am doing is made worthy but not so much for God but to people on this earth. Well that right there is why I am going to keep trekking in this wilderness until the end of time if I continue to pursue that affirmation from other people. I am giving my whole self day in and day out to raise my kids, and yes the struggle to not make them my identity is hard; being their mom is the greatest title I could ever have. I have moments where I find my contentment, but then I have moments where I become so unraveled because of something I read or heard that makes me feel like I am not successful enough.

This is reminding me to be grounded in the now and not in the “getting there.” What if I am already there and, in my needs to seek approval from people of this earth, it is taking my time and talents away right where they are supposed to be? There are many distractions and many ways to create more self doubt. The only way to stop reaching and searching for the way out or the way to “get there” is to look to God for his word and to let His words fill you up with affirmation. Just because you don’t get paid for what you do, you are still valued. You are still worthy. I say this because this has been said to me or around me, since I do not bring home money I am of no value, or it must be nice to not have a real job. Maybe for you as a working mother you feel less worthy because you don’t make enough money, or you feel the time you sacrifice away from your children isn’t appreciated. The sacrifices I have made for my family money cannot buy. Now that my girls are slowly getting into school I now cherish all of the things that I was there for with my babies. I wouldn’t give those up for anything in this world. For those mommas who want to stay home and can’t, my heart aches for you and I pray for you. My mom had to work and I cannot imagine how hard it must have been to leave me and return to work. Just like any job being a stay at home mom comes with its struggles too.

Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1Peter 5:8

The Catholic Bible: Personal Study Edition. Oxford University Press, 2007.

Do not believe in the enemy’s lies. Do not let him create so much self doubt in you that you begin to pursue the affirmation of people on this earth before you look towards His word. Do not let yourself feel lesser than others because someone has a different job than you and it deems itself more important than yours. Stop driving full speed ahead to get there. You may need to sit in the quiet to hear Him tell you, “Not yet” or “You have already arrived.” Stay steadfast in your faith trusting and knowing that He knows what’s best and no matter what because we are His it will all be okay. You are raising God’s children there is no other job more important than that. Always remember you are worthy.

XOXO