The Price of Love

Grieving, I can honestly admit, I am experiencing for the first time in my life at the age of 32. It’s horrible. I was talking to my therapist the other day and she said something that really stuck with me, “Grief is the price of love.” I have asked myself 8 million times and talked to God, and it all ends up taking me right back to where I am…heartbroken. We knew we had months not days, and I question my decisions; what I would do differently so many times, but in all honesty nothing was ever going to prepare for the loss I experienced. My Poppy was involved in every aspect of my life and not only my life but my kids, my whole life he has been there and to move on without him feels strange, and at times I feel guilty. I started reading the book Option B by Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant, and it has been so good for me. She talks about the three Ps in her book : personalization, pervasiveness and permeance. The two that struck a cord with me the most are pervasiveness and permeance. Because my Poppy was so involved with my life, it feels like at times that the loss of him will effect every aspect of my life. I know deep down it won’t but it feels like it. Permeance I am still wrestling with because I feel like if I let go of this feeling that aches from the bottom of my heart that I am letting go of him. I know that that is not true but that is what it feels like. There have been days where I have laughed again and smiled so I know that happiness still exists, but for now it’s different. I have learned that grief is a marathon not a sprint so many days I wish I could just hurry this pain out of my body.

“We plant seeds of resilience in the ways we process negative events.” Sheryl Sandberg

I have had another book for quite some time, and it made me smile when I picked it up and read through the first few pages, but I know deep down it’s not by coincidence. The book is called A Mary Like Me by Andy Lee and the first chapter is about Mary of Bethany and the loss of her brother Lazarus. Mary and her sister Martha were devastated and deeply upset; they could not understand that if Jesus has the power to intervene, why He did not. Why did He not save their brother? When Mary was told of Jesus’ arrival she fell at His feet weeping, and what was so touching to me was that He hurt for her. Jesus was hurt that she was hurting and something about this was so comforting to me. He isn’t angry that she is questioning Him or that she is upset. She knows that her brother is promised forever with Him, but that doesn’t stop their pain of losing him and Jesus wept.

I know there has to be so many times when Jesus wishes He could intervene on our behalf so that we do not have to hurt and suffer, but I take comfort in the fact that He weeps along with us. He understands our human pains. Even as He was up on the cross he asked, “My God why have you forsaken me?” Psalm 22:1.  It is ok to question God and to be angry, but in this time of grief we cannot question the goodness of God. He is and always will be good, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Jesus wept for Mary and her sister because He loved them, and He takes no joy in seeing His children hurting. Grief is different for everyone, and it knows no time table. Do not be afraid to ask them how they are doing or to talk about the one they lost, because talking about that person keeps them alive in our lives. If you are grieving, know that the valley does not last forever and that in the darkness He is still there with you. Pray and ask Him to meet you there, to hold your hand as you walk through, and His love will guide you. He sees you, He loves you and He is there for you.