Whispers of The Enemy

I can feel God testing my courage. The list of my greatest fears are starting to come to a head. God is testing my faith to trust Him and not let my fears take over. I can feel Him tugging on my heart telling me to trust Him, He is asking me to get my courageous heart ready, with every courage inducing statement the enemy has been right there whispering my fears into my mind and my heart. He is testing my perseverance through my weaknesses.

God does not want to reduce the conflict but increase my courage.

Steven Furtick. Its A No Go; Elevation Podcast. July 29,2018.

Have you ever had this feeling that God is preparing you for something big but you are having trouble staying still and patiently wait for Him to reveal what this big thing is to you? This is me right now. This past week I have been struggling with this feeling for more while staying home and all the feelings of being inadequate that come with that, the fear of not being enough for people on this earth, and my need to have my fulfillment come from what others think about me. I recently got asked to speak at a big event, and this is huge for me because public speaking has crippled me my whole life. Not long after this event I am going to be flying for the first time in 12 years, and I am absolutely terrified. I have been telling my friends and family that March is becoming the month of too many big things. God is testing my perseverance. He is testing my strength to trust Him more than I trust my fears. I have let my fear of flying dictate my life for a very long time. I have let my fear consume me and take over. Last year when I was reading a book, Come Matter Here by Hannah Brencher, there was a chapter where it talked about you picking a fear and conquering it within the calendar year. So I picked flying, and little did I know that two of my biggest fears would end up needing to be faced in a month span. Letting these fears control me are exhausting. I have had at least 5 full blown panic attacks since I have booked my flight. I can the feel the enemy now more than ever trying to take over and defeat me.

These moments are when you realize that you’re never really going to have it all together. We are never invincible to God testing our faith. This war between my mind and my heart are weighing me down. I feel like when these things happen it’s Gods way of saying, “My sweet daughter you have strayed too far, come back to me and I will grant you peace.” This past week when I was really going through the hard times of being a stay at home mom, God sent some amazing people in my path that were stay at home moms too and they were able to give me encouragement and the love that I needed. Looking back on this week I realize that those were a God thing. These women serve and love others, they love their families so much and they shared their journeys with me and I suddenly realized this was His way of reminding me I’m not alone. I realized I have been relying on my own strength, my own need to control too much instead of seeking out His wisdom to grant me the peace my heart needs. I feel like too when we rely too much on ourselves God will try to send a little nudge or people in our path to remind us where we need to be turning. It’s so easy to do when you are shuffling kids here, there and everywhere going a million miles an hour and when there are a million distractions sucking your attention away from spending time with God. You will be able to hold your own for awhile, there will be subtle signs of Him trying to tell you to come back, and if you ignore them long enough you will feel like you have fallen into a black hole where the light isn’t so bright anymore. This black hole is what I call the valley.

The valleys that we find ourselves in sometimes do not always have to be from big things. At times it’s when we have let all the small things add up over time. My valley is fears they are consuming my heart and soul. Now that I have drawn myself closer in to His word my perspectives have been refocused. This doesn’t meant that my fears have just gone away, it just means that the worry and anxiety have not been as present. We are human and are going to have fears worries, but we cannot let these things dictate what we do in our lives. There are also times when we need to realize that if you need medication to help you see more clearly, then go and talk to someone. I am blessed to know some pretty good doctors who help me with my anxiety when I need it, but I have also learned to ask for help when I know that I need it. The times when I need to be medicated it helps me for refocus my attention back where it needs to be and that is ok. This does not mean that you are not trusting God to help you just because you need medication, please never think that. When we realize that God is so much bigger than our fears you will worry less. We have to persevere through these times of trials.

For the flesh has desires against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; these are opposed to each other, so that you may not want to do what you want. Galatians 5:17

The Catholic Bible Personal Study Edition. Oxford University Press.2007

If we trust in ourselves too much we are going against what God wants for us. We were not made to handle this life all on our own. When we desire what God has for us more than ourselves, our fears, our worries, and our anxieties, these are no longer the driving force for our lives, His desires are. You have to trust Him to lead you out of this valley, because if you trust in the ability of your flesh more than Him you will be disappointed. Trust in His ability to lead. If He is leading you out of your comfort zone trust Him, because it is out of moments like these that your faith will grow. Being pushed out of our comfort zone is when our perseverance is tested. Continue to be faithful and your faithfulness will become fruitful in His time.